Scattered thoughts

18th April thoughts:

Life's been a little difficult life-ing lately. I'm glad to still have this safe space to pen my inner thoughts.. Safe maybe because it wont get found, almost certain.

But I feel lost. Like I've been going in circles the last few months. Maybe I've been over thinking and over analysing (again.) I've always been very clear of my roles - a mum, a wife, a daughter, a coach, a helper, a solver.

But through all these, have I lost my own sense of true identity. Like who am I already? Who have I become? Am I still who I used to be? Am I happy with where I am? 

What have I done for myself? Without thinking about the needs of others. When did I last decided to do something for myself.

Maybe there's been a lack of fulfilment lately. Or the lack of achievements. Maybe I'm undermining what I've done. Inner critique doing a great job.. 

I'm quite the problem-solver for everyone around me. But it seems like this mid-life problem, has been quite a stumbling block.. 

There's been this void inside me, craving for something more. Maybe its the over achiever within me, maybe its because life has felt pretty stagnant the last couple of years. 

I look around, and I wonder how many people are happy. How many people are truly happy? I'm not sure what am I living for? Who am I living for? The sense of freedom, the sense of control, the pursuit of happiness, what makes me me..

I look forward to work everyday, the lessons, I'm forced to be present. Their naivety takes the worry away. Albeit temporary.